Have you ever thought about what makes us feel good about ourselves? Sometimes it’s the small things that make a difference, like receiving recognition for good work or lending a helping hand to someone.

So how can we use this to help our kids feel good about themselves? I think part of the answer is to value all of our kids’ small achievements. It might be a positive comment from a teacher on a report card or winning a Student of the Week award. It could be receiving a highly commended certificate for a performance or coming first on sports day. While each of these might be small achievements in themselves, over time a number of these small experiences help our kids to believe in themselves and to set expectations for themselves. We all need to first believe we can do something before we expect we can do something. And sometimes it’s the expectation that really makes the difference in what we do and don’t achieve.

As Henry Ford said, “Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right.”

How to help your child thrive

Dr John Irvine states in his book Thriving at School that “It’s a child’s worth to others that determines their sense of self-worth.” Some suggestions he puts forward to help kids with this include:

1. Find what they love doing – the things you can see from their eyes and faces that really give them a lift;
2. Focus on success, even though the kids want to focus on failure;
3. Teach positive self-talk skills;
4. Find areas where they can achieve at school even if they’re not brilliant at schoolwork – art, sport, kindness, craft, projects, computers, board cleaner-upper. Kids need endorsement from the fact that they have something to offer before they can feel good about themselves;
5. Try to find time to talk about one success or good thing each day; and
6. Keep a scrapbook for each of the kids with all awards, memorabilia, and anything else that makes them feel good.

The Inicio Album is all about capturing these small achievements (as well as the big ones). It might be displaying a special certificate or keeping all those short reports on how they are progressing with an extra-curricular activity. If your kids are anything like mine, it might even be a report that says they play with a lovely tone, even though they could practise more!

Gregg Murset, founder and CEO of myjobchart and father of six said in his recent post, “Love them for who they are, not what they do. No matter how hard they study, or how long they practice, or what award or competition they win (or don’t win), let them know that your love is unconditional. Do not withhold your love and affection to change their behaviour. Do not use your attention as a form of punishment or device for control. Make it clear that you will always be there for them and that they are loved.”

Watch for signs of over-achievement

While encouraging our kids to achieve is important, it is also important to watch for signs of over-achievement which may be driven by perfectionist tendencies. Dr Fran Walfish, in her response to a worried parent of a nine year old, suggests that an empathic narrative from us as parents (through our tone and and body language) can help. By gently pointing out that they are so hard on themselves and by being so, they make things hard for themselves, they will hopefully let go of some of the anxiety that can make them wound up tight. “The easier she can be on herself, the more she will be able to tolerate imperfection in others. The best we can do is equip our children with coping skills to deal with disappointments.  Each time you let her wrestle with her own self-disapointment you give her an opportunity to grow.  Remind her that no one is perfect.  We all make mistakes.  And, we all need to accept ourselves — flaws and all!

Help kids to “believe in yourself”

So by helping kids to recognise their small achievements, we can help our kids to feel good about themselves. To know that they don’t need to be perfect; they don’t need to be the fastest;  and they don’t need to be the smartest. But rather, they just need to be good at something. And by noticing all their small achievements, they (and us as parents) will slowly find what that something is. And in doing so, we will help our kids to believe in themselves, so that they can become “someone who thinks they can.”